Friday, January 3, 2014

2014

I've never started a new year as content as I am this year. Content is the perfect word. Yeah, I'm happy and excited but I've just never felt this content. I've never felt this comfortable or confident or proud of who I am. Last year was probably the best I've had so far. I've learned so much about who I am and the gap between who I am and who I want to be is growing smaller all the time. I remember the time when I was so anxious and unhappy. I didn't like who I was. I saw who I wanted to be, but I just could never get there. I could never even come close. Now, finally, it's all coming together. I love my life, honestly. I've said it before but I've never understood what it meant until today. I'm sad to see 2013 end, but I've never gone into a new chapter so complete. I'm so pleased with the year that has passed and I'm so excited for what is to come.

 I feel like everything is making sense. Although I don't know what I want or exactly where I'm going, I feel more excited than ever. I love not knowing. I love this peaceful chaos. I love the people I have around me and I love the things I'm doing.

I made a choice. Really and finally. I was honest. I started this new year out completely honest and I've never done that before. Ever. I've always wanted to, but I lived in such fear. It still was scary. Okay, scary is an understatement. I was terrified. I wanted to be sick. I questioned myself and then my brother helped me to a stark realization: this is my life. Wow. I mean, I knew that I guess. But it realized it's true. This is my life. Mine. For me. How did I not realize that sooner? How did I live so long without knowing what that really meant? I was scared but I kept telling myself, "you belong somewhere you feel free." I am good enough. I am capable. I am worth it. I am free. What I choose for me is good enough and it is right because it is what I want. I am living for me. For real.

I realized this year how important trust is. How everything that exists is based on trust. Not only trust you have for others, but how much you trust yourself. I realize I didn't trust myself before. I didn't make decisions or tell the truth because I didn't trust the person I was, and that was because I constantly lied. It was a vicious circle. I started 2014 by trusting myself completely. I let go of who everyone else wanted me to be or thought that I was and I was just me.

I tell my kids at work, "you're allowed to be scared, but you're not allowed to let that stop you." I say it constantly but I never listened. I never knew what it meant. I do now. I'm afraid,sometimes, but I realize now that it just means I'm alive. I love to be alive. I love to live. I love to be free.

I feel like I finally understand who I am. I love who I am. I'm proud to be me, honestly. I've never felt this before. With this happiness and trust I finally feel free. I've always wanted to be free.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Dear Kyleigh,

     I know you're skeptical. I know you're going to think you can read this, acknowledge it, and somehow, by doing what you want or even doing what you think is right, you'll change any of this from ever happening. Remember, I know you.
     But don't. Listen to this. Listen to me. Do this. Do only this. It's the only way to fix this. It's the only way to save us. Now. Any other time will be too late. I know that you think you're in love, and not any ordinary kind of love. I know how big it is to you, I know you think this is a forever, one-of-a-kind, ballad-singing, movie-making, everyone-else-can-only-dream-about kind of love. Now, depending on when you get this will decide which of the two names pop into your mind. It doesn't matter, they're both the wrong name. The only name that should be in your mind is your own. 
     You are enough. Forever is a long time and you have barely scratched the surface. You can't possibly even understand what forever means. I know you've heard it before but I need to make you understand. Forever doesn't have to start right now. If it truly is forever, then it still will be in 10 or 15 or 20 years. You will not lose anything that you need, I promise. I promise.
     I know that's a heavy promise, and I don't give it to you lightly. I can only promise this to you because I know. I know you think you know all of these things and I know that you think that you understand... but you don't. You can't. Stop. Wait. Stop waiting. Live. You have the rest of your life to worry about the rest of your life. You only have right now, this moment, to live right now. Make bad decisions, do stupid things, those will eventually become all you have left. Those are the things that I love the most. Be selfish. Don't live in fear. Fear, but don't let it stop you. Don't live in thought, we can do that later. Live in actions. Don't live in fear. Don't be afraid.
     You're running out of time. And I know, he says he loves you and maybe he does; but you love you more. Even if you don't yet, I love you more. Please, let that be enough for now. I promise, I will love you until you love you. Don't waste anymore time. Go. Now. I'm afraid you've lost too much time already.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Where Have You Been?

I haven't posted in forever.
Mostly because I'm busy. Yeah, that's it.

I got a promotion at work, I don't say it often but I feel like I deserve it. I work so hard. I genuinely love my job. I love it, if it's possible this new responsibility makes me love what I do that much more. But I can feel myself changing. I can see it, too. I'm losing my humility, I'm so much more confident and I love that but I hate who it's making me. I'm losing my modesty. I try, but I'm so proud of me. I can't help it.

School is finally going well. I feel like I'm finally doing the right thing. I took a class this semester about teaching citizens in a democratic society and it completely changed my life, both professionally and personally. It's helping me at work, too. My boss is talking about buying the gym in the next couple of years which could put me in a very generous position at work. I could realistically stay there forever and make a comfortable living. But would I miss teaching? Would I miss the opportunity to change lives? Will it be good enough? I don't know. I feel frustrated.

I feel myself changing. This has been the best year of my whole life. I'm so proud of who I am right now. I'm so proud to be me. I've always thought I was confident, but it was a shield. I am finally and really confident. I finally know what that really means. It's incredible.

My love life isn't much different. A few distractions have come and gone, overall this past year has been a great time but the distractions only sit on the surface. Underneath, I'm still plagued by the same perpetual problem. The same people. Nick and Robbie. Always back to them. I've fought and begged and cried and reasoned and I got back to Nicholas, we're so close again. I'm not content. I should be. I want to be. I guess I never will be. The idea of Robbie is so enticing, but as soon as it feels real I get scared. Maybe it's fear. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's disgust. Maybe it's shame. Maybe it's guilt. It's the one thing I've probably given the most thought to in all of my whole life and it's the one aspect I know the very least about myself in. Maybe it's because there is nothing to know. Maybe because it's not real. Maybe. The one thing I know for sure is I'm completely obsessed with the way I think about him, the way I think I feel about it. It consumes me to the point I just can't let it go. No one understands and I've stopped defending it. What's the point? It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, anyway. Should it? I don't know. Maybe they are just looking out for my best interest. Maybe they just don't understand. Maybe they see the truth. Maybe they don't. Who knows. It's been 9 years and I can say with absolutely certainty that I don't know. It's gotten to be this huge dragon. It roars and fights and constantly comes back but in the end, it seems to be all fiction. I think I've made the whole thing up and now I'm afraid that it doesn't exist. Not with anyone. But it's consumed me for so long I don't know who to let go of that idea, I don't know how to settle for less. I don't want to settle for less.

And So, They Sing.

It's time.
They've all gathered here,
some in love and others
in vain.
They've come to see
what this time has translated to.
You haven't seen most of them
in quite some time.
The small talk is painful.
Who are these people anyway?
Have they even helped
get you to this point?
What is the point?
It's quiet now.
It starts to get dark, the only light now
the candles.
The flame flickers,
each light burns in memory.
What you have used this time to do.
What you have made.
Who you were.
Who you used to be.
The candles burn,
cry,
mourn.
The time is gone.
There's no going back now.
They start to sing,
the melody sweet but
sad.
They sing in sympathy,
time is running out.
It's almost
gone.
Happy Birthday, to you.

I Wrote God

I wrote the hands
you never helped me with.
I wrote the words
you never said to me.
I wrote the thoughts
I want to think.
You never think.

I use your blanket
it kept me warm.
The proverbial blanket.
I wrapped myself too tight,
it uncovered everything.
It uncovered nothing
at all.

I wonder where you went,
I wonder where you are
when I need you.
I wonder what’s wrong.
I wonder why I thought
you were ever there at all

I wrote the person I want to know.
I wrote the things I want to believe.
I wrote it all down  - I never forgot.
But I forgot


God doesn’t exist


.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

My Mistakes are Saving Me.

It almost happened. Had it not been for the bad decisions I made before, I would be right back where I started right now. I almost went back, I thought I wanted to go back. I almost erased all the progress I made in the last four months.

I am not ready. I am not ready to be committed to someone else. I am not ready to take on the responsibility of someone else's happiness. I am not ready to be honest and vulnerable. I still find myself lying, about nothing and everything all at once. I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes I feel like if I tell the truth people won't like it, they won't like me. Sometimes I feel like sharing the truth opens yourself up to be judged and I don't want that. I don't need anyone else's opinions. But mostly, I feel like I don't make the right choices. I feel like I never do the right thing and I  feel like sharing that with another person will make me look stupid. So I lie. I lie about what I choose to do, I lie about how I feel, I lie about things that I don't need to. Because I'm afraid.

I spent so much time and so much energy lying that now he can't trust me. So when I said I wanted to work things out, he didn't. Thank god for those lies. Those lies have saved me from jumping back in the cycle. The freedom I found four months ago is starting to become routine, the novelty is wearing off and I'm craving change. I thought I missed having someone. Someone. Not you or us. 

You can find a reason for everything and this is the reason for all my mistakes.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me, lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles but I don't care; 'cause right now you're mine.

I know it's stupid. I know I'm no different. I know I'm doing the same stupid thing every other stupid girl does. I know this is a bad idea. But I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop him from meaning the world to me. I can't stop dreaming about him. I can't stop loving him. I know every ridiculous thing I say is just as ridiculous as when every other ridiculous girl says it - but that doesn't change how I feel. How much time I've spent convincing myself I feel this way.

I could try to explain all the ways I think I'm different, or what we have is different. I could try to pour my guts out over what he means to me and how I know I mean just as much to him. But it's all just words. It's been eight years of words and I've completely talked this to death. I'm done explaining and over thinking and analyzing. The fact of the matter is we are not together and we never have been. We are not committed, we are not planning on being committed. We are not engaged, we are not married. We are what we have always been - two kids making the same decisions we have made since we were 12. We got older but we're still young, we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up.

I know I romanticize this story to a point where it's barely recognizable from the truth. I know I've built it up in my head to a point that reality can never satisfy. But I don't care. I don't care. I'm free, I'm young and I'm happy. I'm choosing to be happy. I'm living my life the only way I know how. I'm making decisions for me.

In this I am choosing to let him be a part of my life but I'm accepting that he is not my only one, and I'm not his. I'm accepting who he is and who he has always been, he's the same person he was the day I met him eight years ago. I'm learning that the key in being able to make the choice to be happy is to have ridiculously low expectations of others. I know I am capable of achieving the world, and I expect that of myself but that's all I can do. I can only control me; and if I choose to let other people into my life I have to trust them to make their own decisions for their own life and if they're important I have to support them. I can't make other people happy, even the people that mean the world to me; that's their job. I can make me happy and that's exactly what I plan to do. I plan to support other people the way I want them to support me, but I won't depend on it.

No more over thinking, no more over caring. I'm going to have an awesome, fun life while there is still time. I'm running out of time and I'm not wasting any more of it.